this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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