I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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