Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
