We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
