I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
