some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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