If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
