My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
where are you?
Hypothermia
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
