he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
