So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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