she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
