I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
