But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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