Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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