im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
