dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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