It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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