I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
