Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
