And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
