I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
