The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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