Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
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Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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