Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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