I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
