So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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