My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
