Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I puked a lego.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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