Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
