Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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