I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
