forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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