When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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