can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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