Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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