Fuck appropriateness.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
