I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
