Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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