I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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