thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
