I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
