i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Hippo gnu deer
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
