i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
