Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
