my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
