Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
