woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Floor bacon is actually really good
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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