You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
try to milk me bitch
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