yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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