i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
