After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
my being single is dangerous.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Drunk is a universal language darling
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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