she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
