i think i scared a bird with my dick
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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