Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
