GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
