also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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