I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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