I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
