Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
