Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
