Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
