I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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