The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
