I think scott just propositioned me for sex
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
