Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
