When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize